Faith or Fear: The Plight of a Butterfly

Photograph by Karina Vorozheeva

When old patterns and fear try to drag you down, simple realizations can lift you right back up

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Have you ever noticed how everything sounds like a good idea until it’s show time? Part of my beautiful life expansion these past few years has included amongst many other things — spreading my wings to travel, go, see, taste and explore. My soul screams YES from every cell… and then my patterns rear up and I start hearing things like, Hmmm, a mid-week romp right before a holiday weekend — what are you thinking?

Shhhhhh.

I’m a butterfly at heart, I remind myself. I’m allowed to be a butterfly and I choose to be a butterfly. So yes, old patterns…a mid-week road trip ‘just because’ is exactly what is needed.

So here’s the thing, we can’t expect ourselves to magically transform into butterflies, discarding all the old ‘stuff’ just because we are ready to fly. The old stuff is what got us here.

That ‘stuff’ is a part of our DNA, our story, who we are. And if it’s popping up, it’s likely still got something to whisper in your ear. So pay attention.

Sure I’ve got plenty to work through and have come a long way, but what I’m learning is that I can have it all. I can allow the dichotomy; the shadow and the light, the pain and the joy. I can give and I can receive. Most of all, I can pivot whenever I choose from fear to faith. And I can trust it.

The morning we were leaving for our excursion, the internal battles started waging. Let’s just say they were trying to rain on my parade — trying to make me nervous about going, as visions of worst case scenarios danced in my head. They are the fallacies that tell you, “It’s a long fall from the cloud you are floating on.” And those thoughts breed more of the same.

I called on my inner strength and resolve. I beckoned my faith to lean on. Just in that moment as I entered the café in the early morn to grab some snacks for the journey — I received an unexpected gift. As I stood for a second watching a dear employee baking bread in the kitchen basked in sunlight, he turned to me with a big smile and said “Good Morning.” Even before he had known I was there, I had been comforted by his peaceful disposition — for the energy that he infuses the kitchen and the food with. But in that moment it was infusing my life.

I thanked him for being there and he simply replied, “I am happy.” And he was. It made me happy too. It was like a slice of grace I can’t explain, an answered prayer, a gift that soothed me. All was well. So limited thoughts, who said anything about falling from any cloud? Forget the fall, I’m floating higher.

There is plenty to feel good about, much to trust in right where you are. Look around.

We all have triggers and they’re going to show up. But if you can pause, breathe and reflect in those moments — you can also allow yourself to focus on something real, something that will shift you and pull you in a different direction. 

It made me think about 4 things:

Balance: I don’t know if there is such a thing, but I strive to find balance between work, rest and play. Removing guilt from the equation and reframing my relationship to work has been a big life lesson (in process).

Acknowledgement: We all need to pat ourselves on the back for the things we do, accomplish and need. I work hard and I also deserve time off to refill the well (repeat).

Shadow and Light: My faith is my gift. It shines bright and is felt thru the Holy Spirit. It is my light and my touchstone. My doubt, limited thinking and fear teach me in different ways — remind me where I need to focus, where I need to heal, what useless belief systems I need to discard. But there is no light without shadow, no shadow without light.

Gratitude: I have much to be grateful for: my daughter, my business, my staff, my community (that’s YOU), for health, for inspiration, for growth opportunities…oh, and for being a butterfly, of course.

Be YOU and embrace it in its many shades. It’s all of you. And you know what — my mini-vacation was wonderful (pre-trip jitters and all) — and even the shadows took a rest!

~Lea Haas, Owner, The Garden Cafe Woodstock